From The Inside Out

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out 

The All-Too-Common Turn Around

Here lately I've found myself in a slightly complacent rut. Going through the motions, making decisions on my own--loving God, but slowly taking back certain aspects of my life. Once you've given over your life completely, it becomes painfully obvious when certain parts and thought processes are no longer under God's guardianship. Do you know how frustrating it is? All it takes is one wrong decision, one moment of weakness and its as if I'm brushing off the peace and protection that Jesus graciously gives. And its unavoidable. You can't pretend as though everything is OK, as though you can't feel the difference. Whats worse is--it's all in my hands. That's the bittersweet beauty of free will. God will never force Himself on me. He won't MAKE me give my whole heart to Him. It's up to me.

I give you my heart today oh God. I want out of this sickening complacency. Let my heart beat at the same time yours does. Let my choices directly reflect your thoughts. Let my actions mirror yours. I'm struggling God to KEEP you as my number one focus. I've found it too easy for my eyes to stray and Jesus I'm so sorry. God I want to be your hands, your feet, your voice, your thoughts. I want nothing in my life to be saying otherwise, let there be nothing in my life that hasn't been touched or inspired by You.

I'm sorry for my wrong choices.
I'm sorry for my complacent spirit.
I'm sorry for turning the heat down in my pursuit of You.

Burn in me. Captivate me. Cleanse me.
Use me.

I'm yours Jesus. My life is yours. My heart is yours. My passion is yours. My fears, worries, doubts, and discomforts--They are all yours God. My joy, my emotion, my accomplishments--all Yours.

...Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity...
--Hillsong United

Just shhhhh and let Me.

I just went up north to spend the weekend with some friends of mine and ended up getting more out of it then I ever thought I would. Aside from the AMAZING memories and moments we created goofing around and spending time together, my time spent was rewarding on so many levels. Jesus met me this weekend. Not in amazing lights or miracles; not in goose bumps or heart palpitations; not in the ways I expected. I went to a conference with the expectation that God would speak to me. That something amazing would happen. And to be honest, I felt nothing. I didn't get goose bumps, I didn't initially have any amazing revelations. It was a good time and I enjoyed worshipping, but nothing AMAZING happened. Until my car ride home. And even then it wasn't in any tangible way. (Which to be honest, is what I had been hoping for all weekend--it requires less of me. selfish huh?) I was talking to a friend of mine about God and church and all the interesting aspects of Him that I think so many people miss out on.

Anyways, as I was talking about the goosebumps and the emotional side-effects that can take place when God shows up, another friend called me. I have been praying for her for a year and a half that God would give her a "Damascus Moment." That moment where God's presence is so undeniable that you never forget it. It's like when He shows up and blows you away. And she called to tell me that this weekend He did that for her. He showed up in a way she had always been skeptical about, in a way she didn't understand, but undeniably knew was God.

How did this change me? I spent a portion of this week praying for her. And at the conference I was thinking only of my self during certain moments and wanted a "Damascus moment", but you know what? I've already had one of those. God has shown up in my life in SOOOO many ways and there are times when I am selfish and instead of thanking Him for doing that much I forget and act like I NEED the emotions. Its almost as if I'm saying to God, "You aren't as real to me if You don't speak to me in extravagant ways." All of a sudden during this conference I felt God saying, "Will you just be quiet for a moment and let me reveal myself to you in a DIFFERENT way?" So I did. I was quiet. I quit asking for the "feelings" and was quiet. What did God say during that silence? Not much.. other than, "Be quiet and try listening to me." That's what I needed to hear.

I all of a sudden realized that He has been listening to me. For the last few months I haven't had any crazy moments with Jesus, but certain aspects of my relationship with Him have blossomed. For example, instead of the undeniable moments such as a prophetic word, I feel like God is trying to get me to search a little deeper for His voice. To hear Him in ways that are a little less obvious. Certain songs have just screamed what I need to hear. Certain passages in the Bible jump off the page--its like I never even knew they were there. Random people will love on me or talk to me and after, I realize that God was speaking through them TO ME. He's taking care of me. He's pursuing me. And sometimes I don't even know it or even ignore it because I let myself get focused on the BIG "undeniable" moments that aren't happening. How rude.

God will speak in any way He chooses, and regardless of how He does it, its amazing. Every moment is captivating and priceless. It's like a trickle, a never ending trickle of beauty, a blinding light, a warmth that is attributable only to the embrace of God. Stay under the trickle. Cherish every droplet regardless of how it fell and next thing you know you will be drenched. The trickle is no longer a trickle, but a rushing overflow.

"I can give you a moment like You've never known. But will you remember it? Will you be able to hear me when I'm whispering to you? Or will you listen when I show up in ways that are less obvious? Will you try to know me beyond what your senses will reveal? Can you just trust me? Trust that I will take care of you and AM taking care of you. Trust that even if I'm not loud and obvious, even if you don't feel me or aren't sure if I'm there that I REALLY AM. I show up in soo many ways and have revealed certain aspects of who I am to you already, but I want to show you more. I want you to be able to experience other aspects of me. Talk to me like I'm a friend. Randomly throughout the day, just talk to me. I know you desire me. I know you are searching for me. I know you screw up and your heart desires not to...I just need you to be quiet and let me speak to you in the way that I choose. NOT how YOU choose. Let me show you who I am. I'm listening to you. I hear your prayers, I hear your fears, your worries. I understand your doubts and I know your heart. You need to know that I can see how you are searching. I notice. Just don't stop. Don't stop. Search in every way possible. I'm letting you in on who I am. Just don't shut your eyes when I do. Don't look away, keep your eyes focused or you will miss it. Because I'm not going to follow YOUR plan. I have one, and you will like it. Just keep the focus. Keep stepping out. I see you doing things you haven't done, or acting in ways you have never been bold enough to act. And I am happy. I enjoy you. I enjoy hearing from you again. I enjoy the moments we have. I want more. So keep loving me in the ways you never knew how. And I will love you in ways you never knew I would. Be the woman I made you to be. :) Your life is good Em. And I will make it even better, just shhhhhh and let me."

Today's Prayer

Dear God,

I pray that you would give to me a
...Spirit of Wisdom
...A revelation in the knowledge of You...

I pray that the eyes of my heart would
be ENLIGHTENED...so that I may know
...the hope of Your calling,
...the riches of the glory of Your inheritance,
...and the surpassing greatness of Your power toward those of us who believe.

Ephesians 1:17-19

Broken Continuity

How have I stumbled onto this dark road called apathy?
Paved with ignorance and stupidity...
...Seemingly never-ending.

How do I dead-end that which seems to last forever?

Running forward, You are just within my grasp...

...Suprised to find I am not making progress, but merely jogging in place.

I take off the mask I hide behind...

...and let YOUR beginning

become my end.

2 Chronicles 7:14

Dear Jesus,

I can't do it,
You can,
So please do it.

Amen


I just saw this online while looking for a Bible verse.
Made me think about how we often make prayer such a difficult task. Almost as if God won't listen unless the words are eloquent and grammatically correct...

I disagree. Sometimes the simple statements such as this are all it takes.
Just be real..

Love God. Love People.

I just went this last weekend to a place called the Stockbridge Boiler Room, an inner city mission organization dedicated to spreading the love and compassion of God to the homeless, the addicted, the lost, the depressed, to anyone searching.

It was the most others-oriented environment I have ever seen...

These people live in old houses in the the middle of certain cities (Grand Rapids being the one I visited). They chose to LIVE in their own passions. The house I visited is open to the public. They bring in homeless people and give them a place to stay, a warm meal, a blanket. They help them detox and get into rehab...

But its not all just about being "nice" and "inviting"...

It is Christ centered. They do all those wonderful, humble things under the name of God. And what was most intriguing to me is that not one of those individuals living in the boiler room had a personal agenda. There wasn't a single person there with intentions of extending their list of personal conversions. No one trying to SCARE Jesus into people. They aren't shoving the Bible or standing on the street corners with angry signs.

All they do is care..
They listen to people.
They pray with people.
They are real...

I was only there for a day but I watched as a homeless man experienced church for the first time in years. He went his third or fourth day without alcohol. He wore a smile and a clean shaved face. I don't know him, but I could see just by watching him that he felt like a part of something. Those at the Stockbridge Boiler Room treated him as though he had ALWAYS been a part of something. A part of their family. Can you imagine what life would be like if everyone made an effort to make others feel as though they have unconditional worth?

This house is a house of prayer. They have a room dedicated to prayer and every night prayers and songs are lifted up. It's hard not to be skeptical at first, but regardless of the question God is all over that place.

Money, supplies, support, and people just "happen" to become available to the Boiler Room. Why? I think it's because every single one of those people are being real. They are following the two greatest commandments without question..

Love God. Love People

www.stockbridgeboilerroom.org